Finding the Light

When I got into recovery, all I was really looking for was a way out. Out of the pain, out of the misery, out of all the disappointment I had created. I didn’t know it then, but getting clean was going to give me so much more than just a way out. It gave me my light back.

I was never a hope-to-die dope fiend like I hear so many members share. I always knew I was going to get out from the depths of addiction; I just had no clue when or how. Knowing what I do now and having built a relationship with a higher power, I can see that I was being led along this path all along. My higher power created the perfect shit storm in my life that led me to rehab. I was out of money and friends, and my last remaining hope—my mom—was done with me too. All that was left was for me to finally get some help. So, I went with my bag of clothes and all of my coloring books and headed up to Escondido to check into rehab. I ended up completing the program and finding some relief from the obsession to use, so I decided to stick around for a while. The relationship I was in ended, another part of my higher power’s plan for me, and Covid had officially locked everything down. I had all the time in the world to focus on myself and my recovery.

I got myself a sponsor, started reading N.A. literature, and began working some steps. I started to build relationships with women and realized how much I had missed having actual friends. I was beginning to feel like I belonged, something I hadn’t felt in well over fifteen years. I started to heal. Life went on. I got a job, moved out of sober living, and continued on my journey. I was thriving, and it felt great!

Then came a bombshell: one of my favorite people in the whole universe overdosed and died alone in a hotel room. It was devastating. My heart was shattered. I don’t think that wound will ever fully heal. But what I noticed was that my first thought wasn’t, “I need to get loaded.” I didn’t want to feel what I was feeling, but I wasn’t off and running either. Because I had built a solid foundation in this fellowship, I was held up when all I wanted to do was fall apart. My heart hurt, but N.A. gave me the courage to find my footing again and stay clean for his memory, not get loaded to forget it. Being able to lean on those who have gone before me and faced similar, if not exactly the same, trials and tribulations has afforded me the opportunity to feel my emotions without letting them consume me. Knowing someone else has made it to the other side of something I’m dealing with is invaluable.

So much good has also happened along the way. I got my license back, held a job for almost six years, rebuilt my relationship with my dad, have my own apartment, and my little sister has even found her way into the rooms. There is an endless list of things to be grateful for. But the thing I am most grateful for so far is getting in touch with who I am and becoming who I’ve always wanted to be.

This past year has had its challenges as well. But I’ve been forced to really look at myself and the choices I’ve made and actions I’ve taken. I’ve had to set some really tough boundaries and make some changes in my life that, although painful, have led to the most growth. I’ve slowed down enough to really listen to my heart and not just do the things I think people expect of me.

The thing about working the steps is that they provide an entire “daily life survival kit.” I’m able to apply the principles in my life and, just by doing that, I’ve changed as a human being. I can take on life’s challenges with a little bit of dignity and grace. And there is no way in hell I could have said that with a straight face while in my active addiction.

When I got here, I thought I was too damaged to ever find peace. I thought I was permanently broken. Through working the steps, sponsorship, and the amazing fellowship of Narcotics Anonymous, I found myself again. I found the light I thought I had lost so long ago. After I got clean, I heard the phrase, “The light shines brightest through those who have cracked.” That’s when I started to appreciate my brokenness. That’s when I realized I had been led down this path for a reason, so that I could rediscover the light that had been inside me all along.