Safe Places

Back in the day, I would hear “the longer you stay clean, the closer you are to using,” which, if I’m honest, sounded pretty ominous. It took me a minute to wrap my head around that statement. Like WOW, there really isn’t any guarantee!! Work the steps, go to meetings, develop a relationship with a power greater than yourself, dig into our literature & book studies, be of service, work with others, like FOREVER & EVER??

The process of “pulling away” for me was so gradual, but not necessarily surprising. I had a life, and had done all of the above and started first by skipping meetings. Meetings that had been around for years started to move or fold, and they weren’t as convenient to attend. Core people in my support group moved away or also stopped attending certain meetings. I gave up a long-term service commitment but hadn’t replaced it with anything new. I kept a small group of women within arm’s reach for monthly get-togethers (which now sounds pretty exclusive). No room for new growth, just retreading the old.

Then COVID!! For those of us who were “old school” (I’ve been a member of NA since the 1980’s), the lack of in-person meetings, along with fear of the end of the world (exaggerating but kind of not!!), coupled with the fact that I hadn’t been going to meetings for months, left me with only one source of information—my already unhealthy thinking. My Higher Power’s directive was no longer the loudest source.

It was a perfect storm because I hadn’t cultivated or nurtured any emergency plan.

The only thing I did right was I NEVER let go of our program. I may have pulled away, but never did I think that NA wasn’t exactly where I needed to be. I did not get clean and stay clean all that time accidentally, nor did I relapse accidentally. The struggle to be honest was eating me up until I was allowed a safe space by someone I have trusted for a very long time. That trust was well placed. I am back, welcomed with love and support, and a fresh set of eyes on my recovery.