When Endings Become Beginnings

For years, the endings in my life caused fear, as I couldn’t see beyond the hurt. My focus was on fear, confusion, and low self-worth, and it brought up questions like, “What did I do wrong? Am I not worth it? Didn’t they love me?” Endings always seemed to hurt, and I was really uncomfortable with change.

There is a country song that says the only backup plan needed is to get back up again. This resonated with me because, in recovery, one of the best things I’ve learned is getting into the solution — get back up. For years I have been working on getting back up from endings of broken dreams, soiled relationships, job changes, etc. But going through those helped me know my true self-worth and not how others see me.

My last really hard ending was my daughter moving out and keeping the grandkids from me. I had no idea how much I had made that most of my existence. There were lies, horrible things said, and no one on the other side looked at their part. I sat in that ending for a long time, with expectations that others were going to treat me with love and respect. My daughters and I had a tight bond, and it all didn’t make sense.

My depression got bad, and this hurt almost literally took me out — not using, but not wanting to be here anymore. I finally knew I had to get into a radical acceptance in which I didn’t have to compromise my values, nor agree with the way I was hurt. I realized that no one was there to save me from the pain but myself. All this was happening after my breast cancer battle, with oncology still watching a lump on my right side. My nerves were raw.

The thing that helped me start making changes in my perspective and getting into gratitude for what I did have was the work I had put into knowing my true values and the spiritual principles I do my best to live with. To look at this new beginning with awe, I had to be open to discovering: Who am I without being a mom and grandmother?

Every struggle, every ending, has the opposite: a new beginning, a lesson, expanding my self-journey and securing my self-love again.

This new beginning started with new, learned boundaries and the answers that came from looking at my part of the situation and making amends. It was not in my hands to change others’ maturity enough for them to be able to look at their part.

I moved to a new state so I could be close to family — my son and eldest granddaughter. New beginnings of boating, paddle boarding, rodeos, and a strong small community. I love watching his success and getting closer to both of them. This beginning also brought me to a new NA fellowship, which has been amazing and met me with open arms. I am already on the activities committee.

This new beginning has a lot of hope, opportunities, and has given me a different look at what is truly important in my life. This beginning is the start of my new journey.

Tori C.