When They Touch Me

When They Touch Me

— A love story between flesh, fire, and forgetting

I awaken in the hush of night,

Reaching for him—

Only to grasp at air again.

Panic stirs.

He’s not where I left him—

Not on the shelf, the drawer, the table’s edge.

I search the rooms,

Each step tighter in my chest,

Like a scream that won't come out.

He’s gone.

Vanished.

I can’t breathe without him.

So I run—wild, barefoot,

Fling open the car door—

And there he sits.

Silent in the back seat,

Calm as ever,

While I am storming inside,

Tearing myself apart just to find him.

Even before he touches my lips,

His promise warms me.

Just the thought of him

Eases the ache.

My hand wraps around him—

A shiver of need.

He burns me,

But I crave the flame.

He spreads through my veins,

And suddenly

The world softens its claws.

He whispers,

Low—just for me.

In sleep, he calls.

In waking, he waits.

His arms wrap tight,

And I’m safe again.

Known.

Seen.

Heard.

Then his voice slips darker—

“She’s here.”

My blood leaps.

The air stills.

A jolt, sharp and electric,

As I hunt for her.

And there—

She waits for me, radiant, wild.

I rush to her,

Desperate, shaking.

She reaches first.

She always does.

Mind first, then skin—

A touch that sings across every nerve.

She unearths my soul

And kisses the parts I forgot I had.

Together—

God, together—

They turn me into the woman I dream of.

The fearless one.

The one who laughs too loud

And feels no shame.

The pain dissolves.

The lies fade.

I am unstoppable.

I am free.

How could I have ever cursed them?

Last night I raged—

Swore I’d never see them again.

Swore they were killing me.

Swore I wanted to live.

But now…

He is my oldest friend.

He came when no one else did.

He stayed through every heartbreak.

He held my hand

When I couldn’t stand the silence.

And she—

She knew how to make me feel alive

When I believed I was already dead.

I need them.

More of them.

More than anything.

I’ll trade my soul.

My health.

My dignity.

All of it—

Just for a little more.

Without them, the demons return.

They claw, and scream, and do not let go.

But today—

She is gone.

And soon, he will leave too.

And I will be alone again.

A flood of memory,

Of worthlessness,

Of abandonment.

So I search—

Tearing the house apart

For a savior, a sliver of hope,

Anything to stop this pain

That’s drowning me like water

In the hull of a sinking ship.

I find them.

And everything fades to black. …

I awaken.

Still here.

Still broken.

I reach for him—

He’s gone again.

I thought they were my salvation.

He cradled me like a friend.

She touched me like a goddess.

But they lied.

He was never love—he was Alcohol.

She was never freedom—she was Cocaine.

They came with promises,

But all they did was hollow me out.

They touched my soul just to steal it.

They made me feel alive

While they were quietly killing me.

And still— I reached for them,

Knowing they never stayed.

Knowing they never loved me.

Only waited

For me to fall